


Not All Things Work

by rudesunyoung



Category: BLACKPINK (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, F/F, Fluff, Long-Distance Relationship, Panic Attacks, and is conflicted and does not know what to do, mayoung is very unhappy in her relationship, past relationship trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-04
Updated: 2017-07-28
Packaged: 2018-11-22 17:46:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11385231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rudesunyoung/pseuds/rudesunyoung
Summary: Mayoung has spent her entire life doing what her parents asked her. Whether it'd be attending her family's alma mater to securing a position at her father's well-recognized publishing company. Everything has always been decided for her, without her input and without any say in the matter. Even with the announcement of her engagement, things seem to be going exactly the way her parents planned- until it feels like she may finally suffocate from the pressure. Until a care-free college senior walks into her life and helps her learn to stay afloat.





	1. Tile Floors

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first post on ao3 so I hope you guys enjoy it :)

This coffee is cold and bitter. 

Mayoung curls her fingers around the handle of her cup, setting it down next to her laptop while the page loads so she can read through her emails for the day. It's nearing noon, the usual rush of the office dying down as people head to lunch or go to meetings being held. The cubical that Mayoung inhabits sits just behind Matt, the team manager, who is bent over his desk reading an architecture magazine, a new one from the looks of it while slurping loudly out of a styrofoam cup of noodles. 

There aren't that many people in the office. Including herself and the manager, only one other girl, Baek Hee, is sitting at her desk, headphones in and bobbing along to the music show that she's watching. Last year, she transferred in from the PR team and without much of an explanation; was literally shoved into the small group of nine, now ten editors.

When Mayoung lifts her head up above the cubical, Baek Hee catches her out of the corner of her eye, smiling slightly and lifting a hand to wave. She's nice, somewhat quiet, but cordial when she needs to be and is easily one of Mayoung's favorite coworkers, beside their team manager, given that she doesn't socialize with anyone else. Mayoung waves back awkwardly and has to hold back a cringe at how stiff it feels waving between the cubicles like this and even when Baek Hee looks away, she continues to stare at the woman.

Whether out of curiosity or not, Mayoung allows her eyes to linger over perfectly dark wavy hair that descends down shoulders and the ramrod straightness of her back even as her fingers run over the keyboard. Even if you didn't know Baek Hee you somehow knew her and that perception has always painted a weird taste in Mayoung's mouth. Before she can make eye contact with her again, Mayoung looks back down at her laptop and finally goes back to her emails.

 

"It's Friday."

Jisoo leans over the edge of the cubical, an iced coffee balanced in one hand with a stack of folders in the other when Mayoung sets her pencil down. She raises an eyebrow at the intern, struggling to comprehend why it's important that today is Friday and what it has to do with her.

"So...?"

The intern sighs loudly, slouching against the white frame while she shoots a disinterested look at her. "What do you mean 'so?' It's Friday, let's go out and do something fun. Wanna go see a movie or get something to drink?"

Mayoung spares a quick glance at the younger girl but can't find the same amount of energy inside of herself to be as excited at the prospect of socializing any further than what she does at work. It isn't necessarily that she doesn't like being around Jisoo but during the second month into her internship, their team manager had arranged a small get together at a karaoke bar in Hongdae and after only three drinks Jisoo was standing on top of the table and had sung halfway through the song book occasionally screaming into the mic most of the time. It had been funny and something that the team manager never let her live down but Mayoung wanted to keep her distance whenever Jisoo and alcohol were involved, it was too draining and she wasn't in the right head space, at least not today.  

"Drink?" Mayoung frowns. "Are you even old enough to drink?" she raises an eyebrow. 

Of course, Mayoung knows that Jisoo is well beyond drinking age but it's fun to tease the intern nonetheless, especially when she threatens to hit her with the stack of folders in her hand. 

"You know I am! Come on, every time I ask you to come hang out you always blow me off. It's not like you're doing anything better." 

"How do you know I'm not?" 

Jisoo looks taken aback, her words unable to form sentences as she backtracks and frowns into her iced coffee. "So you do?"

It would be easier to just tag along with Jisoo, listening to her ramble on about the day's tasks and the work her father put her up to. It would also be nice to have someone to sit beside with on the train, laughing at the way Jisoo still doesn't have a full grasp of the Japanese language after taking night classes at the community college, or just having dinner with someone that is genuinely interested in the things you have to say. Mayoung contemplates it for an entire minute, dragging her fingernail over the edge of her desk before sighing.

"Maybe next time? I have to go home anyway...and clean you know?" It's not entirely a lie. The apartment is a mess but not something Mayoung had planned on doing until Sunday at least.

Jisoo frowns down at her but she takes a loud slurp from her iced coffee before offering it to Mayoung. "Fine," she pouts. "But next time you better come along or I swear I won't be your friend anymore,"

"I'll come next time," Mayoung smiles and takes the coffee from her, waving Jisoo off as she turns around and grabs some things on her desk before exiting.

When she leaves, there is no one left in the office and Mayoung looks around at the other empty desks with chairs tucked underneath. Her lamp is the only one on and the digital clock in the corner of her MacBook reads seven twenty-eight. It's not the first time she's found herself the last one to leave so it doesn't bother her as much as it used to. Moving around the straw in the cup, Mayoung looks over the manuscripts that she managed to get done with for the day and decides that one more wouldn't hurt- besides, she has nowhere to be right now.

Two hours later, Mayoung pushes her glasses off of her face and rubs the bridge of her nose slowly. She yawns out loud and gathers the manuscript in her folder, putting everything inside her backpack before shutting her laptop off and sliding it inside as well. The iced coffee that Jisoo had given her has all but watered down with a thin film of coffee settling at the top. She leans over to take a hesitant sip and almost gags, grabbing the plastic cup and chucking it into the trashcan.

"I'll buy her another one tomorrow as payback," she mutters.

After grabbing her things, Mayoung leaves the office and much of the other employees have already left earlier with the building dimly lit except for the hallways as she takes the stairs down to the lobby. 

 

Even though the weather has been colder lately, Mayoung decides to walk home since her apartment isn't that far and she forgot her bus card at home not to mention that all her pocket change was used to buy a new wireless mouse so taking the bus was out of the question.

Gangnam is decorated in lights while people mill about the streets and listen to the different bands play inside the many bars that line the area. Christmas decorations are set up in nearly all the store front windows with clothing shops displaying their latest winter line, cosmetic shops offering free samples and special gift wrapped packages, and volunteers collecting money at the corner for charity. Mayoung rubs her hands together to gather some warmth and breathes into her palm as she crosses the street and makes out her apartment complex in the distance.

Five minutes later, she greets the elderly woman that dusts her rugs off outside the entrance and waves as she smiles back without any of her teeth and waves Mayoung inside before she catches a cold.

"Your coat is too thin, you need something bigger," she had chastised her with one wrinkled finger and told her to stop by her place so she can make her chicken soup sometime.

After collecting her mail and taking the elevator up to the sixth level, Mayoung steps out into the hallway and counts down the seconds until she makes it to her front door. The numbers just below the peephole stare back at her and she rubs her stomach in nervousness, trying to settle whatever it is that's making her uncomfortable before pushing her key in the slot and unlocking the door.

The television is on, she can hear the news playing from the living room and when she tugs off her Nikes to set them on the rack, her eyes catch the familiar pair of leather oxfords. Of course. She takes a second longer in the entrance and rubs her stomach again before making her way into the rest of the apartment.

"Hey you're late,"

Nichkhun comes around the corner with a towel on his shoulders, his hair dripping wet from the shower and he's in a wifebeater and sweats. His smile is meant to be comforting and Mayoung tries to reflect that as she sets her bag down and puts her phone on the counter.

"I know. I stayed behind to do one more manuscript but I didn't even finish it."

While she talks, Nichkhun walks past and squeezes her shoulder before moving to the kitchen and opening the refrigerator. "Long day?"

"Mm...kind of. I was supposed to respond back to the emails that I had sent out two days ago but there was so much. How about you?"

He unwraps a bowl of jjajangmyeon covered in foil and puts it inside the microwave, punching the numbers in before turning around and leaning against the counter.

"Nothing much just the usual. I worked on some accounts and opened a new report for a client. Some woman wants to open a cafe in a nearby district with her nephew, her concept was pretty interesting."

Mayoung nods and leans her chin in her hand watching as Nichkhun continues to go on about his day. He talks about the new employee that he's supposed to train in the upcoming days, the new coffee maker in the break room, and other financial terms that she doesn't get but nods her head anyways like she's listening. By the time the microwave beeps, Mayoung yawns into her fist and accepts the bowl of food with a thank you as Nichkhun takes a seat next to her.

"You have to sleep earlier tonight," he murmurs and pokes the side of her face. Mayoung slurps up the noodles in her chopsticks and wipes her mouth with the back of her hand.

"You know I have trouble sleeping. I tried to go sleep earlier last night but I just ended up rolling around and staring at the ceiling for most of the night,"

"I know," he chuckles and pulls his finger away. "You might have kicked me a few times in bed."

"Sorry," she mutters sheepishly and Nichkhun laughs shaking his head before motioning to the bowl of jjajangmyeon. "I can make you some tea, maybe that will help?"

"Probably, thanks,"

"No problem," he kisses the side of her head and moves back to the kitchen to open the cabinets and grab down a mug from the many stacked inside. "If that doesn't work...then maybe some sleeping pills? I think there's still some in the bathroom," he says as an afterthought. 

Mayoung continues to eat while Nichkhun fills a mug with tap water and opens a box of tea packets to drop one inside and put it in the microwave again. "Your mom stopped by today too," he murmurs and Mayoung pauses with her chopsticks in midair.

"She did?" It shouldn't surprise her that her mom would drop by. For days she had consistently put off having lunch or any sort of interaction with her mother with the excuse of being swamped at work or meeting with friends instead just so they couldn't talk about what her mother always managed to bring up in conversation.

If anything the fact that she hadn't made her presence known at her apartment was a surprise in itself but she had always gotten along with Nichkhun and this particular conversation would always bode well for them.

"Just around one actually," the microwave beeps and he takes the mug out, grabbing the bottle of honey on the counter to pour some in and stir it with a spoon.

"We had lunch at a nearby restaurant and she wanted to check up on us. Have you gotten her messages? She said she's tried to check on you."

"I've been busy," Mayoung looks down at her bowl. "I haven't really checked my phone at all so probably not."

"Silly," he shakes his head and brings the cup of tea over to slide across the table to me. "Check your phone, she was worried."

Everything inside of Mayoung wants to believe him but she knows that's not the case, probably far from it. So she swallows the lump down in her throat and nods anyway. "I will. What did you guys talk about?"

"Work," he shrugs. "She's in talks to open another branch of the bank somewhere in Busan and she wanted my thoughts on it. We talked about you and she complained about your lack of response," he sweeps some of her hair away from her eyes and leans down with his elbows on the counter.

"She wanted to know if you were eating well and taking your vitamins. How work was going and when you were ever going to stop by the house and see her. She really did look worried and told me to have you call her sometime when you're not busy."

"I will,"

"Really?"

"Yes, Nichkhun."

He studies her face for a second longer and purses his lips as he traces a circle on the counter. "She also wanted to know about when we planned to finally settle down..." he trails off.

The bowl of jjajangmyeon is mostly finished when Mayoung reaches for the cup and takes two sips. The honey sits in the back of her throat before going down and the warmth of the drink makes her nerves calm down, her fingers tightening around the glass when she takes a deep breath.

"She's going to keep bringing it up until we give her an answer, you know?"

"I know." Her fingers drum along the glass of the cup, the headache from earlier finding its way back to the front of her brain and making her stomach uneasy.

Nichkhun's gaze is heavy on her and without looking away from the tea, Mayoung can tell that he's working on ways to figure out why they're still at this point. Why they haven't already wrestled this question with time and their dedication to each other.

"What did you tell her?"

"That we're busy right now. We don't have time to think about that."

"She didn't buy that did she?"

"Of course not. Would you? I mean-" he shakes his head. "We've been together for six years and that's all we keep telling your parents until we have to find another excuse to pacify them. How long do you want to do this? For another year and the year after that? Another six years, huh?"

"I d-don't."

"Then what are we waiting for?" he sighs and he looks so much older when she finally looks up. " I love you and you love me. I'm not going anywhere and I know you're not either. Don't you think it's about time we did?"

Mayoung loosens her grip around the cup when Nichkhun comes around the counter and moves to kneel down by her side. His hands grab purchase of her thighs to spin the seat towards him and swallows audibly. His hair is all but dried by now and her fingers make themselves comfortable in her lap, messing with the fabric of her shirt to pull it lightly.

"We've been together for a long time. Every day I wake up and go to sleep to you. I work so hard for us, so I can give you a better life and everything that you deserve, that you're supposed to have. I can't imagine being with any other person than you. Ever since college, I knew that I wanted to spend my life with you." His words are so sure, his confidence seeping into the sentences that he pieces together and the conviction that she can see in his eyes.

Her heart pounds against her chest and sweat collects along the back of her neck, making Mayoung curl her fingers together until her nails dig into the flesh of her palm. The pain does little to loosen her joints and she bites her bottom lip when Nichkhun squeezes her thighs gently.

"I love you so much. I want to build a future with you, I want to make you happy every single day for the rest of our lives. All I want is for you to be taken care of, to be safe with me and only me. Please just let me take care of you. Let me do all these things for you as your husband...," he murmurs.

"W-Why-" Mayoung sighs unsteady. "Why does it sound like you're proposing to me already?"

He smiles sadly, his eyes moving down to the floor before he looks back up at Mayoung and digs into the pocket of his sweats to pull out a small navy blue box.

"Because I am. I'm ready, Mayoung. Will you marry me, please?"

Mayoung's hands fall limp at her side, her jaw going slack when he pops the box open with his thumb to reveal a beautiful gold band with a diamond in the center and smaller diamonds surrounding it on a separate band that arcs underneath it.

For some reason the way these words tumble through her head sound like something from a book or a movie that she's heard before. They make themselves known the longer the two sit facing each other, Nichkhun studying Mayoung intently as she looks down at the ring. Is this what every girl hopes that she finds at some point in her life? Someone like Nichkhun who can speak three different languages, that has a good paying job in the heart of the city, and has weekly lunch dates with her family? Is this what people dream about? Is this what girls gossip about in the breakroom when they can't find the right man to take home to their family? Nichkhun fits every single mold that has been placed on him. He's adapted as a college student, soaring through his classes and rising above the others to be number one in his class. Landing a job that Mayoung's mother had prepared for him since their first date and easily making his way around to continuously be promoted, to continuously beat out the rest. He is the perfect son, perfect boyfriend, perfect in every way possible. All he does is what he's told, take care of things that don't need to be but does so anyway and somehow finds his way around every and anything. It would only make sense then for things to eventually lead to this. For them to settle down as planned, to live in their one bedroom apartment until they had children and then find a house that would comfortably work for them. Was this the plan all along then?

Mayoung looks into his eyes and she sees it. She can see everything he wants and everything that they're supposed to give each other. Details, whether they're minor or major have weaved themselves through the thread of their conversations little by little. Piecing together what everyone has been pushing them to do for some time now. These expectations are what urge Nichkhun but push Mayoung away. These guidelines that are supposed to be followed is exactly the way Nichkhun has lived his entire life but what Mayoung has wanted to break away from for years.

Mayoung doesn't want to get married. Not like this, not to someone who she has spent the greater part of her adult life with because of force and not by choice. Nichkhun blinks repeatedly, concern seeping its way into his face and slowly understanding that this has turned out to be unlike what he expected.

"Lee Mayoung wh-"

"Yes," she whispers. "Yes, I'll marry you,"

"What?! Seriously?!" Nichkhun shouts. He hurriedly gets to his feet, the box almost falling from his hand as he stares at Mayoung with wide eyes unblinking in shock.

"You-You'll really-really marry me?" he stutters.

Mayoung nods, unable to say anything as he breaks into a wide smile that almost takes over his entire face. "Thank you," he sighs and presses a kiss to her forehead, her cheeks and finally a short peck on her lips before slipping the ring on her left hand.

"It's a perfect fit," he says while staring at the jewelry. His fingers intertwine with her own and instead of following his line of sight, Mayoung stares at Nichkhun instead.

"Thank you."

She's never seen him smile that widely before and she curls her hand around his own. Her foot is shaking, both of them are actually but he grabs her in a hug, pressing his face into her hair and she wraps her arms behind his neck. This is supposed to be the happiest moment of her life but Mayoung feels nothing of the sort. Instead, her entire body just feels like lead. 

 

Later that night, Mayoung watches the fan spin above them, Nichkhun's soft snores blanketing the quietness as he sleeps beside her with the blanket around his waist. The alarm clock glows in the dark on the dresser, the blue numbers three-twelve staring back at Mayoung before she looks away and lifts an arm to rest across her forehead. After the proposal, Nichkhun had been quick to alert both of their parents sending calls out before Mayoung's mother had FaceTimed the both of them with her father with tears in her eyes. They were happy, of course, they were happy and Mayoung tried her best to be cheerful, to replicate their enthusiasm in hopes that if she tried hard enough it would become real. After showing them the ring, her mother had gone into detail about how they would need to plan a wedding soon and when she could get some planners together for Mayoung to choose so it could make the process easier. Mayoung had excused herself in the middle of the conversation to wash the dishes just so she could take a deep breath before her headache came back. Laying down now with nothing but the darkness of the room, all of the events in the day began playing back to her like a reel of film.

Every conversation, every person on the way to work, at the office, Jisoo, Baek Hee and the team manager bickering over a song on the radio, Nichkhun, and her parents until it is repeated over and over again. The longer these thoughts persisted in her head, the harder it became to think, to rationalize between reality and a dream, to make sense of what her life had come to as she lied down in this very bed.

Tears push against the back of her eyes and Mayoung pinches her eyes close to keep them away. Her hand curls into a fist and she wills everything to go away. For her thoughts to untangle themselves and her chest to stop feeling like it's going to cave inside of itself. The pressure only builds though and she has to sit up, pushing the blanket off of herself as she moves off of the bed as quietly as possible to not wake Nickhun up and move to the bathroom.

The harsh light makes her squint and she shuts the door, clicking the lock in place before she slides down the door to sink to her feet. The tiles are cold underneath her and she brings her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around herself when the tears finally spill out. Mayoung tries to be quiet so Nichkhun won't wake up and make his way inside to find out what's wrong but it's so hard. It's hard to hold back so much sadness, so much pain that it rolls off her body in waves and torrents that feel like they're not only suffocating her but drowning her. Sobs rack through her frame as her shoulders shake and even when she tries to catch her breath repeatedly, it's like she no longer has control over how to make herself stop. Everything hurts, everything hurts so bad that her fingers curl themselves back into her palm until she can feel the skin breaking underneath her nails.

This bathroom is too small to hold the weight of her escalating thoughts and as she lifts her head up from her arms, does everything seem to disappear behind the blurred vision of her tears. The ring glistens underneath the light, catching her eye even when she doesn't want it to and the uneasiness in her stomach makes her scramble across the floor until she's lifting the toilet seat up to vomit into it.

The only thing that comes up is the jjajangmyeon from earlier and water until Mayoung dry heaves over the toilet before crumbling down beside the seat with one hand on the bowl. Acid burns the back of her throat and she blinks her eyes open to the lights overhead, tears sliding down her cheeks as she breathes through her nose.

"P-Please," she whispers. "Please God, please help me. Someone-" she pinches her eyes close and feels her chest tighten. "Someone help me. I can't-" she cries, "I can't do this. I don't want to be married-I don't want this-this life."

"Please help me," Mayoung turns toward the toilet and curls into herself, trying to make her body as small as possible because it feels like she's going to drift away.

She can barely breathe straight, can barely calm herself down enough to catch her breath and the harder she cries, the more it feels like she might just die.

 

"I had a feeling that he would pop the question soon enough."

Lee Inhoon stares out the window of his office, his hands folded across his chest before he looks over his shoulder at his daughter and chuckles. His suit is tailored to his frame, the platinum Rolex watch an heirloom passed down from his father, reflects the natural light that comes in from the long windows. Gray colors the sides of his hair and the wide rimmed glasses rest on top of his nose until he pushes them back up to finally turn around and take in his daughter.

"Why are you standing? You look stiff, sit down there," he motions to one of the chairs in front of his desk.

Mayoung apologizes and takes a seat, crossing her ankles and fixing her hair when Inhoon smiles again and moves to stand behind his desk. For a long moment, neither of them say anything with Mayoung focused on the design etched into the oak wood desk, the intricate patterns that swirl and connect with each other until she cannot distinguish between where they begin and end.

"He picked out the one that he said he would," he says.

"What?" Mayoung looks up. 

Her father nods at her hand and turns to the side. "That ring. He told me that was the one he was going to buy for you but I wasn't sure of it. He actually did, though."

"Y-You knew about all this?"

"Of course," he says it like it's the obvious thing in the world. "He came to me and asked for my permission...about a month ago actually. I didn't think it would take him this long but nonetheless, we went and looked around for rings that following day."

Mayoung looks back down at the designs on his desk and curls and uncurls her hands in order to keep her breathing under control. 

"You guys have been together for so long. It feels right that he proposed after all this time, you guys were worrying me with how long this was taking."

Mayoung doesn't make mention of the fact that the reason it had taken all was that of her own doing, that her doubt and unwillingness to marry Nichkhun had grown year after year, unfurling in her chest only to manifest itself in deeper parts of her heart until it spread. The only thing that seemed right was to finally say yes- if only to keep it from eating her alive.

"He's a good man, however," Inhoon nods. "A good man. I don't worry about you when he's there. I know he'll take care of you and you'll make him a happy husband, I presume?"

His gaze is much like how he would look at Mayoung when only she had fulfilled everything he had laid out for her. It was much like the gaze when she had decided on which university she wanted to attend only to have to apply for their Literature program so she could work in the publishing company after graduation. Much like his gaze when she had been put into the editing department and handed down all the tasks of her peers. His gaze was the same, without any change and it made Mayoung nod like she always did. Always wilting to that look with nothing but respect for her father, even if it meant pushing her own needs to the side.

"Of course."

His smile is content, wrinkles etching into his cheeks and becoming pronounced on his forehead with age. "You make me so proud, Mayoung."

A long time ago she had learned to take that confession with a grain of salt because it wasn't Mayoung making him proud all these years, no, it was Mayoung doing every single thing he had asked of her no matter what she lost or sacrificed in order to do it.

"Daehan is probably wondering where I'm at," Mayoung says and musters up the best smile she has as she stands up from the seat. 

It hasn't even been thirty minutes but already she wants to go back to her cubical and forget this conversation even happened. For once she actually wants to dive into work, whether it be emails or manuscripts or reports to go over, anything to get her mind off of the engagement or her father. Anything. 

"Right, right. You're probably busy down there. Is work okay for you?" 

He walks his daughter to the door, keeping a hand at the small of her back and Mayoung clenches her teeth together in order to dispell the anxiety away in the pit of her stomach. "Yeah, I'm doing fine. Work is good."

"That's good," he smiles. "That's good." When she opens the door to leave, her father sends her one last wave and watches as she walks away to the elevators at the end of the hall.

 

When Mayoung had arrived at work it seemed like news of her engagement had trickled down from her father into all the publishing departments until she had to finally show her coworkers that yes indeed she was engaged and had the ring to prove it. Many of the girls smiled, offering congratulations and asking how her boyfriend had proposed. Baek Hee had smiled telling her that the ring was beautiful and stared at it for a long time before disappearing back to her desk and not looking back up for the rest of the morning. Jisoo seemed surprised, the only one who couldn't quite believe that she had gotten engaged and lingered uneasily by her cubical after everyone had gone back to their own desks.

They made brief eye contact, acknowledging each other before Jisoo slipped away and out of the office.

Work drags on and Mayoung tries to ignore the heavy reminder on her left hand.

By the time it had reached noon, Mayoung collected her purse and went up to the rooftop, letting the heavy metal door fall back and welcomed the fresh air that brushed against her skin. Up here no one could see you. No one could see the longing on your face or the hear the shouting that eased the masked off of your face. Mayoung walked toward the far end of the wall, leaning against the side to take a deep breath and gain control of herself. Being in the office seemed more stifling and confining than she had thought with every stare pushing the ring further into her skin and every congratulation her way, threatening to strangle her.

Her skin felt feverish, igniting goosebumps along her flesh as she curled her hands into fists. The brief conversation with her father had only stirred previously uneasy feelings and thinking of what was to lie ahead after this whether it be with her family, with Nichkhun, and what it meant for herself.

Mayoung twisted her hand under the glare of the sun, watching the different diamonds glitter under the light and reflect back. Every time she closed her eyes she saw Nichkhun's smile, her parents smile, her co-worker's faces, but nowhere did she recall her own happiness.

The door opens loudly, a loud screeching sound signaling someone else and Mayoung turns around quickly, making eye contact with Jisoo, who stumbles the rest of the way out and shuts it loudly.

"What are you doing?" she sighed and turned to stare ahead at the buildings.

"That's what I was coming up here to ask you," the intern said. 

Jisoo folded her arms on top of the ledge, resting her chin on it as the breeze pushed her hair away from her face. For awhile they didn't say anything to each other until Jisoo stepped closer to gently nudge Mayoung's shoulder.

"You don't have to pretend with me, you know."

"What are you talking about?" Mayoung chuckled.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about. You have been spaced out ever since you got ambushed in the office this morning."

Mayoung didn't answer her but just shook her head. That seemed to speak volumes on her own and it did, for Jisoo at least. She grabbed a hold of Mayoung's hand, her fingers small but wrapping around in a secure grip just enough to let her know that it was okay to not be okay. That even if they weren't necessarily friends, they were still the closest in their department.

"He was so happy when I said yes,"

Mayoung didn't look away from their linked hands, revealing for the first time in awhile human touch that for once didn't seem strained or forced, but natural.

"We have been together for six years and he thought it was finally time. It's what my parents have wanted for the longest, what I know he's wanted for the longest. What was I supposed to say? No? Say no to him while he was down on one knee in front of me?" she dropped her head to rest against her arms and felt the air leave her body.

"My parents have pushed Nichkhun on me since we were kids. It was inevitable then, huh? Was it? In college, as much as I tried to get away from him, he was everywhere I was. Helping me, checking on me, taking care of me, letting my parents know how I was. I felt suffocated- I feel suffocated now. I breathe and everyone holds their breath. I can't," Mayoung swallows audibly. "I can't do this. I can't be force fed life by my parents. I can't keep pretending to love my life when I don't. I don't, you know I don't?"

Jisoo stares back, blinking slowly but doesn't answer.

"Why can't I ever do what I want? Why do I always need someone to keep tabs on me like a child and report back to my parents on everything? I can't live like this," she takes a deep breath and turns her head up to the sky.

The sun is hidden behind the clouds. It seems like the endless sky, her thoughts continue to build, continue to rally, continue to tumble out the spaces of her brain and the parts of her head that she thought were walls to keep them all inside.  

"I feel so stupid. What the hell is wrong with me?" Before she could stop herself, Mayoung felt tears run down her cheeks and tried to pinch her eyes shut as tightly as she could to stop them but it was useless.

"What's wrong with me?" she choked out.

Her shoulders shook from the force of her sobs, causing her hands to rattle and her breathing to become uneven. This wasn't supposed to keep happening. This wasn't how any of this was supposed to keep happening. The harder she cried, the more it felt like another piece of her was being taken away, was being pulled away little by little until she had nothing left for herself.

Mayoung could only imagine how pathetic she must have looked in front of Jisoo. In front of the intern who still stood by her side and silently rubbed her hand and alternated between patting her back. She could feel her eyes swell from how hard she was crying, only lifting her head up when Jisoo enveloped her in a hug so her cheek was pressed against her chest.

"Nothing is wrong with you. Don't say things like that about yourself."

The intern holds her close, feeling a rush of protectiveness over her senior and tightens her hold around her shoulders. The front of her blouse is damp from tears but she pushes away any other thoughts besides making sure Mayoung is okay, at least for now. When she hears her senior inhale sharply before pressing the heel of her palms against her eyes, she tightens her hold on her. It's not going to stop the tears, that much she can see from the spaces between her hands, but it's something. 

"Maybe-" she murmurs silently waiting for Mayoung to calm down. "Maybe, you could come to my place tonight. J-Just to clear your head for the night so you don't go home like this and have to face another set of questions."

Jisoo holds her breath, nervousness picking at the back of her head and suddenly feeling like she may have overestimated the limits to this relationship that they have in the office. Mayoung is quiet at first, her hands slowly falling away from her face so she can look at the other girl's shirt. Mayoung pulls back and from her point of view, can see the intern better. Jisoo can tell that this was already a bad idea before she even said anything. Why did she always have to ruin everything with her big mou-

"Your place?" Mayoung whispered. 

"Huh?" 

"You said...yo-you said your place."

Jisoo blinked then blinked again before nodding and gathering her thoughts together to say something that was more intelligible than that. 

"Yeah, if you want. I mean, my place is no Ritz Carlton or whatever dream penthouse you go home to every night but it's comfortable and cozy. I have a bunch of movies and a lot of snacks. We can talk about work if that's what you prefer and also I can make really good tonkatsu and I'm rambling now so I will just stop right here," she blushes. 

Jisoo should have never offered Mayoung to come over. They're sitting on the roof and she's already making a fool of herself. She can't possibly imagine what it would be like once they finally got back to her apartment. Actually, better yet she should just retract the offer so as to not further embarrass herself and make this seem like anything it isn't. 

"Actually-" Mayoung says. "That sounds like a lot of fun if you don't mind. I would like to do that."

Jisoo almost swallows her tongue. Her eyes widen to a ridiculously large degree before she opens her mouth to speak. "Seriously? You actually want to come over to my apartment?"

"Yeah," she nods. "Yeah, I would like that." Mayoung pulls away from her embrace to wipe her face that's almost completely void of any tears beside the red rims around her eyes and chuckles sadly.

Jisoo blinks then blinks again and finally snaps out of it to nod her head quickly. "O-Oh okay. Okay. Um, after work then we can go. Okay, we'll go. We'll go to my place."

Mayoung smiles a little more widely and tucks her hair behind her ear. "Okay."

 

_I'll stay behind for work. Don't worry._

_Okay :( don't work too hard._

Mayoung pockets her phone as she exits the elevator by the end of the day. Jisoo is already waiting outside by the entrance, her hands tucked into the pockets of her slacks and her blouse halfway untucked when she turns and spots her senior. 

"You ready?" she grins. 

"Sure. Lead the way,"

The two walk down the sidewalk, maneuvering past businessmen and women to reach the subway where they swipe their cards and grab the train that heads to the opposite district. The train is unsurprisingly packed so Mayoung and Jisoo have to squeeze through, murmuring apologies and sticking close to each other when they find a space close enough to stand next to one another.

"Do you live far?"

Jisoo looks up from her cellphone and shakes her head, motioning with her chin to the map on the opposite wall. "Nope. In about four stops we should be there."

When the train arrives in Jisoo's district, she grabs Mayoung's wrist and leads her out of the station. Stores line the street, mostly cafés and a large pharmacy at the end of the street with a large sign advertising discounted passport photos. People sit outside on the sidewalk and under the street lights smoking and laughing over bottles of beer. 

Jisoo's apartment is located in the complex next to the pharmacy with only four units and a small lobby to pick up your mail. Mayoung follows her up the small flight of stairs and watches as she punches in her passcode in before opening the door wide enough for both to walk through. 

"It's kind of messy, so sorry about that," JIsoo says sheepishly and kicks her flats off by the shoe rack. 

"No problem," Mayoung shakes her head. Jisoo pulls her blazer off to hang on the coat rack and switches the lights on, the small studio apartment suddenly coming to life.

"I'll wash my hands and then make some tonkatsu. You can sit down and watch the news or something," she scratches the back of her neck. "I don't really watch a lot of television so you can find something you like."

Jisoo disappears down the hall and Mayoung walks further into the studio, smiling at the pictures decorated along the wall. Most of them are of Jisoo with what looks like her family and other places in her hometown of Taiwan. A futon is placed against the wall with a bed on the opposite side that has a handful of plush animals stacked next to each other. There are potted plants along the windowsill and a handful of baby's breath in a jar on the counter. A stack of magazines rest on the floor next to the television stand and Mayoung can see the hallway that leads to what she assumes is her bathroom on the opposite side. Mayoung takes a seat just as Jisoo comes back and heads to the kitchen to begin cooking. She's changed out of her work clothes and looks more comfortable in a pair of hot pink shorts and a sweatshirt with the words National Chengchi University across the front.  

"Your place is nice,"

Jisoo pulls out a package of pork wrapped in foil and scoffs, shaking her head. "It's small and cramped."

"Feels homey."

"I guess," the intern shrugs.

While she moves about the kitchen to cook, Mayoung switches on the TV, mindlessly going through the channels until she finds an action movie playing and settles on that.

It isn't until about twenty minutes later when the food is finally done and Jisoo carries both plates into the living room, setting them down on the small coffee table before running back to the kitchen and grabbing two water bottles.

"You can go ahead and eat. Tell me how it is," she grins and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear.

The smell of the food wafts up Mayoung's nose and she presses a hand to her stomach, trying to quiet it down when she reaches for her chopsticks and gives thanks to the younger girl. "It's delicious," she says around a piece of pork.

Jisoo beams and twists open her own water bottle before doing the same for Mayoung and sliding it across the table. "Thanks. It's the only Japanese dish I know how to make so don't be too impressed,"

Mayoung snorts and scoops a spoonful of cabbage into her mouth. "How did you learn how to make this?"

"When I studied abroad in Japan," she says. "I stayed with a host family and the wife was a phenomenal cook. She taught me later on,"

"Oh, wow," Mayoung nods. "That's cool! Do you miss Japan, sometimes?"

"Mm not really," she frowns. "I learned some conversational Japanese but not nearly enough to get me fully by on my own. I always ended up either saying the wrong thing or completely misunderstanding. I started carrying around a dictionary but that didn't really help. I should have put in more effort to learn the language, though." Jisoo picks up a piece of pork and chews it before swallowing. "I was homesick too for the first two months...it was actually kind of pathetic," she coughs and her cheeks color in embarrassment. "I think I made it unenjoyable entirely on my own."

"As hard as it was, though, I really enjoyed my host family. If I had the chance though, I would go back to take everything in properly."

Mayoung nodded in understanding. Although Jisoo and her were the closest in the office, she really didn't know that much about her life. Other than that the intern had been chosen from a very competitive pool of applicants, so there was no doubt she was intelligent, but there was more to her than outside of work. The pictures decorated around the studio was proof that she cared deeply for her family, that she was bright and energetic at work but at home, she seemed to calm down and mellow out in private.

It was comforting.

"What about you?"

"Huh?" Mayoung said snapping out of her thoughts. 

"Earlier today. Do you want to talk about it?"

Oh, that. 

Mayoung sighs and traces a finger around the rim of the can. "I want to do something that makes me happy you know? All my life my parents have told me- instructed me, really on what I'm supposed to. Where I go to school, who I hang out with, who I date. It's overwhelming. It feels like I'm- like I'm not even myself. Like I'm not even my own person."

"What is it that you want to do?"

"What?"

"What do you want to do?" Jisoo shrugs. 

"No one has ever asked me that before," Mayoung smiles sadly and folds her arms on the table. "I don't know," she shrugs. "Work in radio? You know, those late night programs at one in the morning that play indie music and take listener's request. Something like that."

A long time ago, Mayoung vividly remembers traveling back to the countryside with her family to visit her grandparents and the hours long drive listening to the music and staying up late to listen to people's concerns, the radio host offering advice or solutions. Anything to try to help the person out and as she laid her head against the glass of the window, Mayoung thought that was comforting. To have a complete stranger sympathize and help you out, even suggesting a song to get you through whatever it was. 

"My dad would kill me if I left the company, though," she shook her head.

Jisoo doesn't make a comment, seemingly understanding what Mayoung means after a few run-ins she's had with the CEO.

"He built that company from the ground up. It's been his dream for his children to follow in his footsteps. He was outraged when my brother left home to do his own thing, he felt betrayed."

"Y-Your brother? You have a brother?! He works at the company?"

"No, no," Mayoung shook her head. "He left after high school and was accepted into a performing arts school. He wanted to be an actor and my dad was furious. Cut him off and everything,"

Mayoung remembers the years leading up to and after that. Her brother had expressed more than once his desire to pursue acting and had secretly been taking classes at the center to gain some experience. Mayoung had admired that about her brother, always determined no matter what to follow his own dreams and not letting anything- being kicked out or cut off from the family- deter him. They had kept in contact through it all and now he was staring in an upcoming drama as the main lead after a few smaller roles.

Mayoung could never do what he did.

"What makes his situation so different from yours?" Jisoo asks. For a second, Mayoung looks up and thinks that she must be able to hear her thoughts. She blinks and looks down at her plate, most of the food already gone.

"I don't know."

The night carries on quietly from then. Mayoung looks through an impressive collection of vinyl records that Jisoo has kept away and they both pick out different ones, listening to the albums all the way through and watching a few more movies. Around sometime later, Jisoo produces a bottle of wine and they both take turns drinking while laughing at something the other said. It's around three in the morning after laughing loudly and listening to each other ramble, that Jisoo falls asleep on the couch, her jaw slack and limbs spread out.

Mayoung cleans as best as she can, putting things away and setting the dishes in the dishwasher before she gathers her things and slips out quietly. The air is hot on her skin, causing her to blink up at the sky and lean against the light post that flickers. The sign for the pharmacy is still lit up and when she swallows, she can feel the alcohol in the back of her throat and the warmth on her cheeks.


	2. Waiter

The first rays of sunlight slip through the sheer beige curtains, painting different shadows over the comforter and Mayoung's arm that hangs over the bed. She blinks open her eyes slowly, adjusting to the dim lighting that the sunlight provides and registering the sound of breathing behind her. After another long minute, Mayoung takes a shuddering breath and carefully maneuvers herself to sit up in bed. The blanket pools at her waist and when she turns to look at Nichkhun, he's facing the wall with half of his face pressed into the pillow and his back moving up and down with the soft sounds of his breathing. Mayoung doesn't know how long she stares at him but eventually when the sunlight begins to bathe the entire room, she blinks and shuffles to get out of bed. 

Mornings run much like clockwork during the week. Mayoung is typically the first to wake and by the time she's done showering and brushing her teeth, Nichkhun will wake up and kiss her quickly in the bathroom before taking his turn. Afterward, since neither of them is good enough cooks, they'll usually stand at the counter making small talk over toast, cereal, and coffee. After about an hour of watching the morning news, Nichkhun will waltz into the living room with his tie undone and although Mayoung knows that he knows how to properly tie his own, she does it because it's routine for them. 

"I'll probably be staying late tonight so you don't have to wait up. I have a big meeting later to close a deal with the bank in Singapore." He frowns down at where his hands hold Mayoung's waist loosely and she can see the guilt behind his eyes every time he tells her that he needs to stay behind. It should comfort her that even after all this time Nichkhun feels bad about leaving her on her own but it doesn't- it makes her feel pity. She can't even find comfort in his own concern. 

"Okay," she nods and accepts the quick kiss to her lips before Nichkhun squeezes her around her waist and is out the door in the next second. 

Inside their apartment and all alone, Mayoung takes comfort in the silence, allowing herself a few minutes to check any emails or text messages before she waters some of the plants and gathers her things to leave. It's even brighter outside, the heat making itself known with waves in the air and perspiration lining the edge of her scalp and making her skin prickle from the clothes that rub against her flesh. The bus stop is crowded today and as Mayoung boards and finds a seat next to the window, she takes a deep breath and hopes that this day will be alright. 

 

Mayoung uses her fork to move around the croutons in her salad. They've been staring back at her for nearly an hour and even when the sound of metal scraping against the bowl doesn't detour the conversation going on, she continues to do so. When she looks back up, the restaurant is even more crowded with the lunch rush and she watches people being seated, men and women who all have nice paying jobs and are equally dressed in suits and skirts with designer labels and heels that click against the floor. Scents from all the different colognes and perfume mask the smell of the food and Mayoung has to hold her breath when a group of men walks past her table, the stench almost seeming like they bathed themselves with it this morning.

Her _friends_ had literally dragged her to lunch today, the restaurant is their usual spot to catch up and talk about work or whatever is going on in their lives. The word talk could be used loosely, though, very loosely if it was up to Mayoung. She had spent the better of the time listening instead of contributing anything to the conversation.

It had been like that for the last couple of weeks. Jinee, was preparing for a big case she had coming up but had wanted to head out on vacation to relax before the trial began. Most of her complaining stemmed from her husband not choosing a suitable place for them to vacation in and since then, she's been upset. Hayoung had run up the charges on her credit card bill and her father had finally taken it away from her and even though she needed it "desperately" he hadn't budged. Minsu half listened to the conversation and stayed on her phone throughout the majority of the time. Her involvement only got about as far during these lunchtime meetings. Unless it had anything to do with her foreigner boyfriend or anything even closely related to that, she didn't contribute much either.

It was boring really, sitting there and having to listen to the same old stories that Mayoung had heard over a hundred times but recycled over in different parts. The only real change had come in the beginning when Mayoung told them about her engagement and showed them the ring which produced enough talking for her to not really butt in at all.

"I was beginning to think he was never going to ask you," Jinee said holding Mayoung's hand between her own. "You guys have been together for what..seven or eight years already, right?"

"Six actually," Mayoung muttered like it would make any difference.

Minsu had raised her eyebrow and was quiet for awhile before saying anything. "It looks expensive. He must really love you."

Hayoung nodded in agreement and for twenty minutes all they talked about was the wedding. Whether Mayoung would have a small ceremony or a big one. If she was going to plan it herself or hire someone and what her wedding dress would look like or if she had any idea of what she wanted her bridesmaid dresses to look like.

Jinee was the only one experienced in anything like this and took over the conversation, talking about her own wedding which leads into another rant of her complaining about her husband. They had only been married for two years but she acted as if they were together longer. Hayoung made a joke that barely made it to Mayoung's ears and all of them laughed, smiles wide and their eyes lighting up like an organized play.

Mayoung continues to poke around her salad, moving it piece by piece from one side to the other and barely registers Minsu slipping her phone inside her clutch on the table.

"I have to get going."

"You just got here and you've barely eaten," Hayoung frowned motioning to her plate.

To be fair all three of their plates look equally untouched and Mayoung wonders how they do it. Despite not subjecting herself to overpriced salad on a daily basis, Mayoung knows that this lunch is more for looks and pretenses rather than culinary satisfaction. Minsu tucks her clutch underneath her arm and pushes her long black hair over her shoulder.

"Maybe next time. We can go out for drinks or something."

"You said that last time," Jinee frowned. "You better mean it,"

"I do," she smiled and left the table, waving at us before going to the front to pay her bill.

After Minsu leaves, conversation slips back into whatever they were talking about before. Lunch feels longer than usual and it must be because the girls have more to complain about today. It annoys Mayoung. It reminds her of why she's opted to stay inside the building more often now rather than to just sit around and listen to these same stories.

When the waiter comes back around to fill their glasses for the third time, Mayoung declines and makes an excuse about needing to head back to the office.

"Call us later so we can talk about your wedding ideas," Jinee smiles before lifting the glass of white wine to her lips.

Hayoung messes with her nails and agrees with a sigh. "Yes, but please, stick to the salad for awhile, yeah? You want to look nice for your wedding right?"

Mayoung pauses at the table, her fingers skimming the tablecloth but she's not really surprised so she doesn't comment. "Noted," she replies underneath her breath.

The fresh air outside the restaurant is nice and even though the company building is ways away from the district where she's at, Mayoung chooses to walk anyway. If anything, to just clear her head.

 

It isn't until Jisoo makes herself known near her cubicle sometime later, that Mayoung finally looks away from her work and smiles at the younger woman. They hadn't talked much between Jisoo being out of the office for the majority of the day and Mayoung had felt weird not thanking her for the other night because it felt good, it felt really good to hang with someone like that.

"Sorry, I fell asleep on you...you know," she said embarrassed with her ears coloring red as Mayoung laughed. "It's cool. I really had a nice time, it was fun."

Jisoo interlocked her fingers atop of her cubicle and rested her chin on her hands before visibly relaxing. "Really? That's good! I had fun too, you're not as boring as I assumed either," she shrugged and yelped when Mayoung threw her pencil at the middle of her forehead.

"Shut up," she rolled her eyes. Jisoo picked the pencil up before threatening to throw it back, only to instead tuck it behind her ear. _"Anyways,"_ she sighed loudly, "After you trashed my place, I have to do some majoring cleaning. Some of my college friends are coming into town later tonight to see me,"

"Trashed your place?" Mayoung scoffed. "I cleaned up before I left, whatever you did after that is your own fault,"

Jisoo frowned hard at her senior while Mayoung chuckled and went back to typing up her reply in a letter to an author.

"You know that I really hate you as a person, right?"

"Do you always invite people you hate to your place? That's a strange habit to keep..." Mayoung murmured.

Jisoo groaned and dropped her head down onto her arms before standing up straight and flipping Mayoung off with both hands and walking back to her desk.

 

"Are you going to pick one out or just stare at these paperbacks for ten more minutes?"

Mayoung looks up as her brother joins her by the table of New York Times Bestsellers, snorting as he picks up a copy of Homegoing and turns the book around to read the summary on the back.

"I just don't know what to read. Everything seems good,"

After he finishes reading one, he sets the book down and scans through the rest on the table before furrowing his eyebrows and reaching for one of the books at the edge of a separate table. A caucasian woman is on the cover and he reads the title out loud to her in English before offering it to his sister.

"What about this?"

"Brain...On Fire?" she turns it over to read the back and her brother stands by her side until she finishes. "It actually sounds interesting,"

Jinyoung grins, his eyes crinkling at the edge until he loops his arm through his sister's and pulls her towards the front of the small bookstore where the register is located. Mayoung doesn't have the energy to protest so she goes along with him, making her brother pay even though he complains the entire time and insists that she take them out for dinner since he made such a dent in his wallet.

"It was on sale," Mayoung had snorted and Jinyoung just ruffled her hair playfully.

 

They settle on a restaurant on the other side of town, a hole in the wall but buzzing with lively conversation and the scents of different flavors and dishes drawing them in. There's a friendly neon sign of a cat lounged on the windowsill, its tail waving back and forth while people mill outside and smoke. Jinyoung pulls them toward a table in the back, their knees knocking as they settle down at the small table and a boy, who is probably in high school, with piercings in both of his ears and black hair, comes over with a menu for both of them and takes their order for drinks.

"Let's order the cheese fries," Jinyoung says while staring at the menu and bites one of his nails. "Also cheese chicken and spicy wings and pancakes too? Oh and-"

Mayoung cuts him off with a hand over his mouth, laughing loudly at the surprised look on his face before pulling her hand away. "Okay I get it you're hungry. Anything else your highness?"

Jinyoung laughs although a light dusk of pink starts to coat his cheeks and the top of his ears. The restaurant is warm and because it's so small it's pretty hot inside but Mayoung knows that her brother is blushing because he's embarrassed.

"I've been on a diet for like...three days and I'm starving okay? Sue me," he sets the menu down after satisfied with his order and leans his chin in the palm of his hands.

"A diet? You're already skinny enough as it is,"

"I know," he frowns but his lips quickly turn upwards when he changes the topic. "That's why I'm treating myself."

"Three days huh?" Mayoung snorts. "You must be proud of yourself,"

Jinyoung reaches for the napkin holder and balls a few sheets of them up before throwing it at his sister's face. They dissolve into laughter and Mayoung can't help but enjoy how light her heart feels for the first time in a long time and how much she's desperately missed her brother and the easy way he's always made her feel better.

When the waiter comes back with their drinks, he sets it down on the table and takes their orders before leaving just as fast. Mayoung gives herself time to look around the restaurant and study the other people sitting close and talking animatedly. Jinyoung is messaging someone with a smile on his face and Mayoung thinks it's the same person he talked about last time, the one from the script reading that Jinyoung said he was just friends with but she knew otherwise. Someone moves across the restaurant to change the song playing on the sound system and Mayoung recognizes the artist immediately, OOHYO.

"You okay?" Jinyoung asks after he sets his phone to the side.

Mayoung nods her head even if he frowns and knows that she's lying. Her brother can read her so easily.

"Seriously, you don't have to pretend with me, you know that,"

Jisoo's exact same words ring in her ears and she sighs again. She doesn't like to think about it but it's inevitable, the conversation always seems to steer in that direction. Jinyoung reaches across the table to hold her hand and it's comforting when he squeezes her fingers before letting out a small smile.

"Just in general,"

So she starts from the beginning. She tells him of how dad has been at work, she talks about how much their mother had been pestering the both of them about marriage until Nichkhun popped the question, and of course her relationship in itself. Jinyoung listens with open ears, nodding his head and otherwise choosing not to comment as his sister spills everything. That's the thing about Jinyoung, he always listens intently and she finds it comforting how he continues to hold her hand even when their food arrives and urges her to continue.

He only nudges a cheese fry against her lips when she begins to taper off toward the end and laughs before opening her mouth and eating it.

"Honestly," he said scooping up some kimchi rice on his spoon. "I've told you this before and I still stand by what I mean. I really think you should leave the publishing company. You have two degrees and you're incredibly talented in what you do. I know some people that work in the broadcasting stations that I could connect you with if you're serious. It only takes small steps, seriously Mayoung. How long are you going to have to keep living someone else's life before you realize that it's hurting you?"

Mayoung swallows down another fry and stabs one of the slices of pancake with her chopsticks. "I can't do what you did. I'm not like you,"

Jinyoung snorts. "Shut up. You can do anything you want, just because I did it doesn't mean you can't"

But that's exactly what it means. As they eat, Mayoung steals glances at her older brother and thinks that her life and his own are completely out of reach. Jinyoung had been headstrong from the beginning, pursuing what he wanted to fearlessly and stopping at nothing to achieve that. Even faced with abandonment, it didn't sway him in the slightest but only encouraged him further. Mayoung had remembered Jinyoung packing his bags that night while she lay awake with tears in her eyes listening from her bed across the hall. After the arguing and all the fighting, Jinyoung had told their parents he had applied at a performing arts school and had gotten in, that very same day he was kicked out. He didn't worry about where he went, he didn't worry about money, just himself and Mayoung wished she could be selfish like that just for once. She wished that she could stand up for her own dreams just as Jinyoung had done.

"Think about it at least. I can't sit here and listen to you talk like this and do nothing. Whatever you want or whatever you need, I'll be here for you. You know that," 

Mayoung knew that explicitly. She knew her brother also meant everything he said and she smiled before nodding. "I know and I will,"

"Good," he beams and lifts a spicy chicken wing up to his mouth. 

The conversation drifts to lighter topics, Jinyoung talking about his upcoming drama and everything that he's been up to. He talks of his co-star subtly and Mayoung kicks him underneath the table playfully until he yelps and threatens to throw his drink at her. They laugh a lot and talk long after they've cleaned most of their food from the table. She pays for the bill when it's closing time and Jinyoung, although begrudgingly, asks how their parents are again while they exit the restaurant and Mayoung fills him in to placate her brother. 

While they walk down the street amongst the lights from store fronts and LED displays on buildings, Mayoung hums a song underneath her breath that Jinyoung manages to hear and begins to sing it out loud. Mayoung thinks he could be a singer too if he even wanted to venture into that. He has a beautiful voice and she closes her eyes as they walk; listening to the way the song sounds different and the notes that he whistles.

When they reach the train station, Jinyoung gives her a long hug outside of the entrance and she hugs him back tightly. His hands rub comforting circles into her back and she squeezes her eyes close to try and remember the sensation, to remember how comforting his hugs have always been and pulls back slowly.

"Text me when you get home, okay?"

Mayoung nods and he squeezes her hand as she adjusts the bag from the bookstore in her other hand. "Get home safe. Don't drink when you get home either, you send me weird videos."

Jinyoung actually laughs out loud, a hand coming up to cover his mouth and Mayoung rolls her eyes before chuckling. It's true and he knows it. 

"Okay okay. I'll see you soon and no drinking got it." They wave goodbye to each other and Mayoung takes the stairs down the station to wait at the bottom. Not that many people are in the station just a few other women and some students that look down as they scroll through the phones. The train barrels into the tunnel, a loud gush of wind ruffling her hair until it comes to a stop in front of her and the doors slide open quickly.

She boards and finds a seat against the rail, sitting down and putting her things in her lap just as some other people walk inside and find seats. When the overhead lights cut on just as the doors shut and the voice on the intercom announces the next stop, Mayoung closes her eyes and thinks over her brother's words.

 

When the train arrives in her district at nearly 10 pm, Mayoung gathers her bag and instead of walking back towards her apartment, she strolls through the neighborhood, listening to the music from open windows in the restaurants and the people that filter in and out of the local grocery store. At the end of the street, a small group of people gathers around someone singing on the steps of a building and Mayoung edges closer, craning her neck so she can see the girl with a guitar in her lap and picking various strings as a guy plays the harmonica.

The song sounds familiar at first and Mayoung stays rooted in place watching the duo sing as much of the other people are that nod their heads and sway along to her voice. A girl standing by Mayoung's side pulls her cell phone out to record them and when the dark haired girl hits a particularly high note, the crowd whistles and claps in approval, encouraging the woman, who looks up briefly to smile shyly before going back to her guitar.

Even though Mayoung had just noticed the impromptu performance, the song already tapers off to the end as the woman belts out the last part of the chorus, strumming the guitar repeatedly before the duo finish and the small crowd claps loudly and shout their insistence for an encore. The guy looks embarrassed, probably from not expecting such a positive response but bows just as his partner does and hurries to take his neon green bucket hat off and collect change from the crowd. As he moves around, Mayoung can't help but maneuver to the front of the crowd as people begin to disperse and take their time to talk to the guy. The woman is putting her guitar back in the case when two girls run up to her seemingly to compliment her and even from this distance, under the street lights, Mayoung can see her blush.

After they leave, the crowd has pretty much disappeared with a few people standing by that seemed to be closer to the duo as they give each other hugs before one of them, a tall blonde headed guy, loops his arm with the harmonica guy and pulls him away in the opposite direction. For some reason, which Mayoung doesn't know why she goes up to the girl just as she's slinging her guitar case over her shoulder with a huff.

"That was great--y-you were, both of you were great," Mayoung says and bites down on her tongue once she realizes how stupid she sounded.

The girl turns around, surprised before breaking into a smile and waving her hand slightly. "Thank you! I actually messed up on a few of the strings so it was hardly perfect," she said and Mayoung noticed how her sneakers turned into each other as she shuffled.

"Still," Mayoung shrugged, "I thought it was good. I didn't hear much of it...but was that _Like The Wind_ ?"

The girl startles at that her mouth opening partially in shock before she recovers and nods her head quickly. "Yeah! It was actually! Most people think of IU or Ailee but Lee Si Eun is one of my favorite artists. We're always covering one of her songs and-oh!" she shakes her head before offering her hand. "I'm Chaeyoung, by the way, but most people call me Rosé."

"I'm uh-I'm Mayoung," she says and shakes her hand, noting how smaller the other girl's hand is and how warm it feels. Quickly, she lets go and coughs to make it seem less awkward but when she looks up, Rosé only chuckles and adjusts the strap of her guitar case.

For an entire second, both of them just stare at each other without saying anything and Mayoung internally cringes as she starts to wring her hands and nervously shuffles backward slightly, only for Rosé to clear her throat and point her thumb behind her.

"There's a bar that I usually like to go to down the street. Do you...maybe want to join me?" she bites her bottom lip.

Mayoung's eyes widen in surprise and Rosé immediately begins to backtrack with a quick shake of her head. "That was pretty forward of me wasn't it? I'm sorry, you must think that I'm-"

"No, no, no," Mayoung shakes her head quickly and struggles to not look so outwardly frazzled.

"I-uh-I would like that...um...yeah I wouldn't mind," Mayoung rubbed the back of her neck nervously.


End file.
